Thank you, Justice Team

{specifically our leaders, Jenny and Ally} for the following words of comfort:

• We are not called to be perfect.
• We are all broken.
• God is the true and ultimate healer.
• God wants us to lift our burdens up to Him.
• We are not meant to play the part of God.

Seriously, I know these statements are nothing new. But in those times where you've screwed up or don't know what the heck you're doing, statements like that can really put you at ease. I will never be faultless. There is no way for me to be able to help everyone, not matter how badly I want to {and believe me, I wish I could}. No one can look after my friends better than God can. I need to trust that He will keep them safe and that they will be more than alright in His hands. If I can be honest, I haven't been trusting Him with that, like at all. I didn't realize it until today when I got lunch with Betsey {one of my small group leaders}, and she asked me if there was anything she could be praying for me for. But she specifically wanted to know of any prayer requests I had for myself, not ones for my friends {which I had already told her about}. I blanked. I could not think of a single thing for myself. I couldn't think of anything I needed prayer for because I've been so overwhelmed and consumed with what has been going on in my friends' lives. It's almost as though I've been focused more on their spiritual walk than my own... Drawing that mental blank was a scary moment for me. I felt like I had unknowingly slipped off of my Rock! As I was walking to go get my mail, I heard God say to me, "Daughter, since when have I lost control of my children? Since when have I been incapable of saving them?" Wake up call, let me tell you. And I was walking back to my dorm, "Jesus Paid It All" came on my iPod. God wanted me to really hear the lyrics...

"I hear the Savior say, 'Thy strength indeed is small; child of weakness, watch and pray, find in Me thine all in all.'"

I am weak. It is me who is incapable of fixing everything. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't be there for my loved ones and do what I can, but I shouldn't expect to be able single-handedly make everything okay. Accepting this into my heart is going to be a process; I would be lying to myself if I claimed otherwise. Understanding is a first step, yet it is only one of the many to come. But if I seek acceptance, I will find it. Lord, thank you for loving me even when I'm such a mess...

"Here I am humbled by your Majesty

Covered by your grace so free

Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man

Covered by the blood of the Lamb"

{Majesty, Delirious}

Goodnight my loves. Sleep well.