WHY?!

WHY DID I FORGET TO DO SO MUCH?!

WHERE WAS MY BRAIN?!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THE SILENT FREAK OUT MOM?!

WHY ARE YOU PRESSURING ME ABOUT THIS SO MUCH?!

WHY DO YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A DISAPPOINTMENT?!

WHY DO I LET THESE THINGS FREAK ME OUT?!

WHAT IF ALL OF THIS SUBTLE ANXIETY IS FOR NOTHING?!

why am i so stressed...

why did i almost cry in the middle of government...

why does everything hit at once...

why... why?

Late night dates :)

Oh yes, Kelly Johnson and I hit up starbucks at about 9:45 this evening. The cafe was closed, but never fret. Staples Mill has a drive thru!!!! And that, my friends, stays open until 10; haha! I think my favorite thing about this (aside from our awkward childhood stories and other various "girl talk" moments) was that we legitimately used the term "suckaaas!" twice in less than a minute's time. The first reference was made while we were discussing the purple koolaid mass suicide... (Is that even appropriate? Haha.) Then, just after that chuckle, this couple pulls up to Starbucks and tries to go inside the building. I told them the drive thru was open until 10, so they got in their car to drive around. Guess what time it was, though? Yeah, it was 10:00 exactly. Thus, they could not order their drinks and had to pass right on through the drive thru. Suckaaaas! Okay, now that one was definitely appropriate! At any rate, we hung out at one of the outside tables for about an hour. Let's face it, we all need a healthy dose of sanity to close out the day :) I do love my friends. As do I love starbucks and parking lot chats. My life is pretty okay in this moment in time; as long as I ignore the sneezing, coughing, drowsiness, and lack of energy. Well, my loves, I shall leave you tonight with this tidbit of humor via Facebook chat. I was trying to get information out of one of my acquaintances; who just so happens to be dating the twin sister of my target for senior assassin...

Me

okay. im pretty sure you wont answer this
but i have a question
sooo, i have jerry maynard for senior assassin and i need an address

11:09pm Darren
haha sorry. jaren almost killed me when i said i wud help you jokingly
i will give u a hint
its by vcc

Me

hmmmmm
i am directionally retarded haha
that may help
i wish there werent so many maynards in the phonebook
uggg boots


11:16pm Darren
well good luck. shud be fun stuff haha


Me

im not going to get him haha
i already know it

11:18pm Darren
whyyy
I believe in you...
he is already gettin lazy


11:18pm Me
haha! well thank you
but honestly, i wont figure out where they live
even if i did, i dont know how id get him

i would just stalk the car, but i know that jaren's been using it to creep on people. so that wouldnt work

i contemplated hiding in their truck bed so that they would literally just take me to their house
but there's a top on it haha
fail

11:19pm Darren

park down wind... follow the trail. sniff the honey tree. turn east to the sun and shoot for the stars haha

11:20pm Me
what the heck darren? haha
that made absolutely no sense
haha

11:20pm Darren
my girl friend said to confuse the enemy
thats what i shall do friend :)
but i gotta sleep. be easy steph

11:21pm Me
thanks. haha
you too

What if I'm not ready?

Words mentioned of sorrowed farewells.
There I stand isolated;
an invisible gap expanding before me.

Leave?

Heart ties snipped like thread.

Or at least seemingly so.
These walls are trembling;

threatening to collapse.

I am too small!
Please, I need more time!
Distance is rumored to harvest fondness,
but what if my pillars forget my name?

What if these walls cannot be rebuilt?

Emotions weaken over time.
Separation encompasses anxiety.

The age of flight is upon the horizon,

but I enjoy this cocoon.

Childish are my heart's desires;

lobes ever progressive.

Torn into factions.

Ready to evolve.
Afraid to depart.

What if I change?

What if our status is altered?

What if this new world is too much;

the gigantomachy too overwhelming?
What if I'm not ready?

"Night of fails"

Well, that may not be completely true, but it made me laugh when Nikki said it :) Okay, so I went to school for a grand total of about two hours today before Mrs. Steele, Mrs. Nicholas, and my entire 2nd period class convinced me that I had no business being there. So what did I do with myself? I threw on some baggy sweatpants and crashed on the sofa for four hours. FOUR HOURS! That's more than half of the sleep I generally get each night; craziness! I did my physics homework once I woke up, and then headed over to my dad's for some dinner. After that, of course, was youth group!!! And this is where the fails came in: "like our first night together," "he makes beautif.....beautiful"....oh. Need I say more? Haha. Well, after the weekly dance sesh and some 90's music flashbacks, a few of us sprinkled into the parking lot for some lovely conversation. Like I've said before, parking lot convos are the best kind. We tried to go on the swings, but they're gone... Did anyone else know that? It was rather unfortunate... At any rate, my mind has been working at full capacity as it generally does, so I am forewarning you that this may turn into uncontrollable rambling; starting now! Today in intro to humanities, we had to fill out this worksheet, and one of the questions was this: What do you think is the greatest problem facing American teens? I didn't even need to think about it. My answer was conformity. Whether it's fashion trends, self-image, mannerisms, or physicalities, in the end we become somewhat different. Perhaps out personalities have changed; maybe our friends or our interests. It's concerning, but it holds some truth. Who was the first to decide that how we were coined wasn't up to par? When did our mirrors morph to fun house status; causing abstraction and distortion? I used to be so closed minded as to only imaging said conformation on a grandeur scale; only viewing teenagers as a whole. My thoughts used to be much more superficial; only scraping the surface.

Now, though, I realize that this goes much deeper than just our pastimes. No, this is personal, emotional, and a painful struggle for some. Why do we feel the need to please others? Why do we set such ridiculous standards for ourselves?! I have myself convinced that, unless I maintain perfect grades, I will be viewed as a disappointment. I actually fear the way others would look at me and the teasing that may or may not follow suit. I created that image of myself! Nobody has ever once told me that failing to obtain superior excellence will deem me inadequate, but I know that I would feel like I hadn't done well enough. Honestly, I would cry and have guilt eating away at me for not achieving my image of "perfection." I get that feeling sometimes when I commit to things that conflict with one another, and I have to let someone down in order to make someone else happy. Even when I'm involved in something and I don't perform as well as I should, I beat myself up over it until it's engraved in my mind. If you had asked me a while ago whether or not I had fallen victim to conformity, I would have said "no." But the truth is, I have. I've conformed to this image that I created for myself. Get perfect grades, participate in every extra curricular imaginable, take any and all leadership positions that are offered, etc. Well, perhaps I can take some comfort in knowing that I do this to myself; no one else is to blame. And I know that some of you are reading this and probably thinking I'm completely and utterly ridiculous, but I know that many can relate to this. I just thought I'd let you know what was on my heart and mind... Goodnight, my loves.

All stuffed up.

Coughing, sneezing, sniffling; story of my life today. My voice sounds rather manly, and my eyes feel like they're swollen and droopy. I almost asked my mom to let me stay home today, but I remembered that I had a stats quiz :/ I can't find my headphones anywhere, ang that makes choreography class a little difficult. Not to mention that I had zero energy, so I did a lot of marking today. I got a scholarship to JMU that's worth $11,000! I'll be getting it over four years as long as I keep my GPA at a 3.0 or higher :) So exciting! I went to 1822 (against the better judgment of my mom and Elizabeth), and it was okay. I didn't realize there wasn't going to be worship or a sermon, but hanging out is always fun! I'll tell you what though, Nathan and Jonathan are so ridiculous, haha. Anytime I see them they call me beautiful or tell me that they love me; kind of awkward, not going to lie. Nathan went so far as to tell me that he's going to kill my future boyfriend/husband so that we can be together.... Oh.... Oh! But yeah, now Nyczepir has jumped on the bandwagon; deary me. What ever shall we do with these crazy boys? On a different not, I got a slap in the face from reality today. My AP tests are NEXT WEEK; this coming monday and tuesday to be exact. I'm scared about government. I honestly feel like I haven't learned anything and I'm debating whether or not to even study. Ugg boots, I pray I get through this next week and a half with at least a small dosage of sanity. I'm so excited to see all of you tomorrow night! You have NO idea!!!! Love, love, and more LOVE!!!!

I have a question...

but first, take a look at some of these pictures! Pat Porter Photography gets some good shots! (and some that are pretty darn awkward..... haha)

(^^turtle? yes.)

(^^boob shot? oh dear...)

And now, for my question. Yes, this question was in Anonymous (which is why I was thinking about it). No, I'm not trying to be horribly cliche. No, I'm not feeling upset, depressed, emotional, etc. Am I curious? Yes. Do I want feedback? Only if you wish. This is just something I was pondering, and I've though about it before, but that's only because I have this tendency of trying to psychoanalyze others minds by evaluating the activity of my own. I know the many thoughts that are encompassed within my cranium walls, but I am certainly not a mind reader. Maybe I just think about people more than others do. And I don't mean that I care about them more I just mean that I spend every minute wondering and thinking about my lovely friends; whom I love and adore more than they may ever imagine. You are my greatest love on this earth, and (since I first came to WEAG approximately one year and two months ago) you have provided me with more joy than I would have ever thought imaginable. So, here it goes:

Do you ever think of me?

Fake it 'til you make it suckas!

Today... was long. Running on three hours of sleep is not okay; I think Heather would concur. I got to church at 8:30 for Youth Sunday! I love leading worship. It just makes me happy inside. My Starbucks got thrown away, I was frustrated. At any rate, I went to grab some lunch to eat at Cara and BJ's with Heather and Kelly (later joined briefly by Lorraine). It was relaxing indeed. And I love their apartment.... it's just so quaint! Then it was back to church for a final run-through. As soon as we were off the stage, Heather and I (and Kelly for a little while) crashed. I mean, it's sad when you're so tired that you don't remember if you fell asleep of not while someone was talking. We tried sleeping on the pews; fail. We sluggishly ate our food in the empty hallway; staring blankly at the wall. Ugh, sleep deprivation has never taken such a toll on my body. But, of course, we managed to pull energy from somewhere to really perform for Anonymous. The show was so much fun! And I think we delivered the message God sent to us. I don't think I get much happier than when I'm performing for youth choir. Honestly, I love just dancing and singing at the top of my lungs for God. I love looking out into the audience and seeing the worship move them; affect them! Man, well, I now find myself quickly writing this before I try to get some sleep. I finished like 98% of my stats project, the intro packet is done, I don't really know if I had government homework, and I'm doing physics during early bird or intro. Oh yeah, and I just recalled that I have a quiz in stats tomorrow on stuff that my brain just cannot seem to grasp... Jesus, why must all of this come crashing down on me NOW?! Oh yeah, and I have two scholarships and community service hours to turn in this week. Oh, if my eyes weren't so droopy, they'd produce tears of stress; I'm sure of it. Well, my head keeps lolling to the side and what, and I think I've lost control of my eyes somewhat. So, on that note, I'm going to get ready for bed. Goodnight my loves!

Dance Critics.

Yes, it's 4am. Yes, I have to be at church in a little over 4 hours. Yes, I am tired.... Just call me crazy! Writing this blog is important to me though, so I'm going to do it!

I had a lovely breakfast date with Kelly this morning. We talked, we laughed, and we discussed the awkwardness of having BJ sitting outside by himself while listening to his ipod (Cara was having a breakfast date of her own). Then came the six hour youth choir practice! I had lunch with some lovely ladies: Lindsay, Chelsea, Sophia, Ezara, and Brenna. It was interesting conversation to say the least.... Once rehearsal was over (30 minutes late, mind you), Heather, Adam, Michael, and myself headed up to JMU for the student concert. The performance was an interesting collage of modern dance that enraptured both the innocense and chaos of the human condition. Some pieces were liked more than others, and there was some random dancing on pointe.... but we won't go into that! Haha :) So, on the way there, Heather and I had a little crafting period with pipe cleaners. It's funny how something so simple and seemingly childish can amuse us. I love it :) After the show, we dined and conversed at casa de Sarah; twas entertaining indeed! We didn't end up leaving until 12:40, but the car ride home proved to be an excellent opportunity for life discussion; which I love. Sure, the topics aren't always light and cheerful, but it feels good to just talk some things out you know? (It feels refreshing to me, anyways.) We made it back to the church at 2:40, so I was home around 3. Oh my, I'm kind of afraid to see how Heather and I are going to function.... I have two theories: 1) We are going to be completely crazy and giddy from sleep deprivation. or 2) We are going to be exhausted and completely sluggish. I personally would rather be hyper than sluggish. I suppose we'll see, though. And I'm praying that Heather's throat feels better tomorrow. Poor thing, your voice is sounding dreadful; yet quite humerous :) Anonymous tomorrow (which is really today....)! Get pumped youth choir! Goodnight/morning to you all!

Digging Deep.

Today, in Intro to Humanities, we discussed public art. I love discussing opinion and outlooks on artworks! They're just so open to different visions and interpretations that it can truly reveal one's outlook on life and its many aspects. These are just a few of my favorites that we pondered:

Keith Haring's Painted Aluminum Sculptures

(Although these sculptures don't have a title, they just make me smile. Why? Because they're actually a playground for children! Yes, that was their purpose in being built. It's meant to challenge a child's creative mindset by having them question how to play with it or if they're even allowed to. Oh, I would definitely enjoyed playing on these as a kid. Who am I kidding?! I'd be playing on it right now if I could!)

Maya Lin, Sounding Stone

(This stone is one of many in its series. Each stone is actually now used as a trashcan! Yeah, that giant, shiny block of granite is used for people to toss out there McDonald's bags and Starbucks cups. Can you imagine throwing something away in a piece of art that was taller than you? Clearly, this man is just as befuddled as I am, haha. The varying textures on each side though, apparently allow you to perceive sound differently due to the varying textures.)

Allison Shots, Mirror Fence

(This fence is completely reflective, and although it doesn't have any particular message or meaning behind it (to my knowledge), its aesthetic quality is lovely.)

Tibor Kalman and Scott Summer, Everybody

(So, this is actually the front of a gym. But I'm intrigued by it just because of the boldness of the word EVERYBODY; no exceptions, no rejections...)

Janet Zweig, Your Voices

(Okay, this was definitely my favorite because it made me think of Anonymous! The artist simply placed these mailboxes in the middle of an office building. And, without being told or informed about what these boxes were, people started walking up to them and placing their dreams, complaints, obsessions, etc. into the box that corresponded with what they had written down. It just goes to show you that we are all willing to share our secrets; as long as we don't have to own up to them... As a continuation of this work, Zweig plans on adding to the series by taking the secrets placed within each box and collaging them to be displayed elsewhere in the same building. I would love to see this; I would, I would.)

Since the youth show was just brought up, I cannot believe the affect it is having on me. It isn't just me though, it's almost everyone! Never have I ever had so many of my friends open up to me; share events and thoughts that can only be unveiled from the greatest depths of their hearts. Although it can be sad and emotional, I feel as though we've broken down a barricade of sorts. Maybe not completely, but I definitely sense a new sort of trust and dependence amongst our youth choir; or at least with my friends. I don't feel like I need to hide anything anymore. We are all putting our hearts on the line; ALL OF US. We are not in this alone, and I think we're all starting to realize it. I love the relationship quality that's resulting from all of this. And whether this show is uplifting to you or not, you can't deny what's happening all around you. We are all changing; growing; trusting; maturing.... Oh, my dearest Tess, you were so incredibly right. I love it :)

"If the song fits, the movement sticks!"

That was a quote from my friend Extasis yesterday :) I was afraid people would watch my senior piece and remember the song, but not my dance. This quote was part of her encouragement for me. Oh, I do love her! Speaking of my piece, my dancer (Sarah) now knows the ENTIRE dance! I still have to figure out my own ending, but no worries, it shall be done! I keep getting positive feedback from my classmates and teacher, and I just feel so accomplished! And, while we're on the topic of accomplishments, ummm.... can we say I AM NOT FORGOTTEN?!?! Yes! We actually all got it today! We've got the victory; got the victory :) Yeah, I just tried to take it back.... fail? Haha, I mean it was worth a shot. But anyways, I think rehearsal went pretty well tonight; not too shabby anyways. Although, I do wish our choir could clap, sway, or even dance in unison (**cough, boys, cough**). (P.S.- That is Jeremy Woltz's hand... haha.) It's okay though, we still love them, Well, at least most of the time; haha, kidding! I just find these practices to be fun. Sure, they're long and tedious, but I love just being at church and being with everyone; it makes my heart smile :) And, speaking of smiling: Before the leaving the parking lot, Heather and I took a ride around the church on the hood of Annemarie's car :) It was soooo fun! Ahhh, I love little things like that to bring me a little extra joy :) Oh, my loves, no one makes me as happy as you all do! I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart..... Loving life today :)

A day, is a day, is a day, is a day...

And today was no exception... or was it?! Well, I woke up with the same feeling of "Ugh, I really hate my life right now," and I dragged myself up out of bed only to fall victim to the monotony that is public school. My friend Mariah made me really happy today though. She gave me one of her homemade peanut butter truffles! Yes, something as small as a trouble can brighten up a dreery day in AP Government. It's the little things in life that give me warm fuzzies... I showed my choreography (for senior showcase) to my class today! And I got nothing but good feedback! Glory glory! I love hearing positive things about my work; it just makes me feel elated inside :) I have less than a minute left to choreograph and I'll be done! I can do it! I can, I can! Fun fact: my toenail started bleeding in the middle of class; quite annoying really. And I know how much people love pictures of stuff like that, so here you go! Haha :) Then, after giving Shaniquia a lift back to Hermitage, I headed home for some social networking and relaxation before going on a brief, yet lovely, dinner date with Heather :) I love dates, they make my heart smile REAL big! Then, we trucked our way over to youth group, and we made gum statues (not sanitary, but still adorable) of two little pigs. We got 2nd place, but only because Jesus always wins (and we all knew that). Worship, amazing! I wish I had followed my urge to dance... maybe next time! Afterwards, though, I did partake in a lovely jam sesh with some lovely ladies :) I think Brenna may have been my favorite though. That little girl is so crazy, but she dances from her heart and is free of insecurity; it brought me joy to watch her (and rock out with her, of course).... I think parking lot conversations are lovely. This is the second night in a row I've done it, and they just make me feel free. Don't ask me why, because I could not tell you. I just know that I like it, and that is that :) El Chaps made me happy. I got to chat with Lindsay, Josh, Jeremy, Elsbeth, Sketch, Amber, Austin, Elizaeth, Brenna, EVERYONE! I've got joy bouncing within my rib cage. I'm actually swaying back and forth in my chair as I'm typing this, haha! Man, I'm really glad you all are so accepting, because I am truly an awkward human being. Oh, I just love you all! Eeeeeep! It seems as though I've brought my happy bubble home with me. Now let's see if it's here to stay!

My dearest loves,

To you, some inspiring words excerpted from Neil Donald Walsh's Conversations With God (p. 86-87):

Yet I tell you this: it is far more difficult to deny Who You Are than to accept it.
You are goodness and mercy and compassion and understanding. You are peace and joy and light. You are forgiveness and patience, strength and courage, a helper in a time of need, a comforter in time of sorrow, a healer in time of injury, a teacher in times of confusion. You are the deepest wisdom and the highest truth; the greatest peace and the grandest love. You are these things. And in moments of your life you have known yourself as these things.
Choose now to know yourself as these things always.

I love you all; forever and always. In my eyes, you can do no wrong. You are beautiful, wonderful, caring, lovely, supportive, genuine, incredible!.... I could go on for days, but take time to ponder these words. They made me smile when I read them during class today. I hope they can do the same for you :)

This one's for the girls...

who have ever felt alone, forgotten, useless, or less than satisfactory. For those of us who bottle everything up; hiding our struggles from anyone and everyone because we think we can handle this alone. WE CAN'T! I've tried, and I know you have to. You know as well as I that we reach a breaking point where we fall to pieces; many times while we are alone. But, when you crumble, how do you reassemble yourself? We need someone to rely on; to depend on. Yes, we should always turn out problems to God and let him control those sorts of situations, but that we aren't always successful in doing that. I, personally, struggle with this every, single day. I'm afraid to give it all to God because I feel like I know what's best for me and what will make me happy. And I know I'm not alone, so I'll continue on that thought. Sometimes, when you feel as small as the tears pouring down your face, you need a physical connection to bring you up out of the abyss. You need someone to look you in the eyes and tell you that you are not alone. You are loved and cared for. You are beautiful; internally and externally. You are ideal in my heart and mind; even if you stress your imperfections. You can get help. People are willing to help. I am willing to help! I guess the purpose of this rant was partially to bring some things to light. I want my friends to know that I want to listen to them. I want to alleviate their stress, carry their burdens, share their pain, and give advice when needed. I also want you all to help me... I'm always trying to reach out to others; to comfort them; because that's what I love doing. Being there for my friends is and has been my top priority for a long time mow, but I am flawed. Though I am always willing to give help, I can hardly ever bring myself to ask my friends for assistance. I just don't want to be the friend who's full of issues and can't keep it together. But the truth is, whether it's seen or not, that's essentially what I am. I probably cry more than any person I have ever met, but I don't want others to see that. I want to hold a strong front to those who desire a support system, and I've gotten pretty good at it; but I don't know if I want to be... Just please, talk to me. Let me talk to you. I don't think we can do this alone... And even if we could, I don't think I could bear it...

These emotions are not forgotten.

Where pain ceases, numbness takes over.

Tears evaporated into yesteryear,

But my eyes remain dehydrated.

Though I have moved nowhere,

the world continues to rotate beneath me.

Others have moved on.

I remain immobile.

They seem to have forgotten,

the scar they've left inside of me.

My tears have finally run out,

but the hurt continues to linger.

And though its shadow of heartache 

and melancholy are no longer tangible,

I feel the weight of this burden;

trapped within the confinement of my cage.

Words and slanders perch themselves upon

my sternum; compressing it into my spine.

They are heavy, dead weight that

I cannot seem to rid myself of.

My body is reacting 

to the unwelcome barbells.

Limb by limb I am crumbling.

Should my legs give out,

my arms could offer no support.

Running on fumes;

banking on faith and  love.

I am now numb.

But it's better than feeling the pain.

Isn't it?...

My dad sent this to me yesterday. I was honestly very surprised to receive this from him because (as far as I know) he is not engaged in a relationship with Jesus. Yes, he'll come to watch the WEAG performances that I'm in, but that's about the extent of it. Anyways, I find it to be strangely relevant...

My family doesn't know me...

and I want out! I'm sorry that I can't do anything right. I'm sorry that I'm always wrong. Day after day I'm ganged up on and I can't take it anymore! They wonder why I never want to spend time at home? They want to know why we don't communicate? Stop alienating me! Stop yelling at me! Stop lecturing me for these things that aren't my fault! I thought my sisters were supposed to be on my side; help and support me. I don't expect that from them anymore. It's to the point now where I feel like I can't depend on them for anything. Dictionary.com defines family as "a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not." Well, I guess that would be true for me if my family were a unit, but I don't feel any unity. I can never please them or make them happy. It's situations like this that create these emotional secrets that we hide from the  world. I think I could fill out a million of those posters for the youth show just from my secrets alone; and I suppose I have my family to credit with that. The way I'm spoken to makes me feel like a disappointment, a failure, like I'm never going to be good enough. I cry in solitude, and nobody in my family knows it. They also fail to recognize that I'm not happy; at least not in my relationship with them. I want to talk to someone, anyone, but I don't want to burden them with my troubles when others have issues that are much more severe. I feel like I should be able to handle this on my own. I'm trying, but I'm breaking. My family is not my family. You, my friends, are my family. You actually love me. You care about my feelings, and you're there for me when I need you! You support me always and you make me happy! You put a smile on my face! When you see me, I'm sure that I seem like one of the happiest girls alive, but that's because I have you all around me. You make me feel like I matter and that I'm truly loved. Without you all in my life, I'm afraid to know what state I'd be in right now. I just want to leave this place. I don't how long I'll be able to stand it. Lord, please help me....


I can't make my brain think of a question right now...

It's gon' be me you and the jump, jump!

I started off my day with Einstein's, Starbucks, and Kelly Johnson. I love breakfast dates; they're lovely :) Then, we moved on over to the church for a five hour rehearsal chalked-full of choir choreography. I found it to be rather enjoyable (minus the obnoxious chatter that went on any time the music was cut off). The front row had a little too much fun swaying back and forth, bouncing while looking at our feet, and figuring out how to give someone pink-eye..... Teehee :) Kelly, Heather, Annemarie, and myself took advantage of our hour and fifteen minute lunch break and went to Panera. Twas fun indeed! We went back to the church a little early to sunbathe on one of Kelly's sketchy car-blanket's on the grass by the south hall. Heather made an entrance that was both adorable and entertaining. (Heather, you looked so proper; like you were riding side-saddle or something!) We all just layed down and soaked in the beautiful aura of today. It was quite relaxing. After rehearsal (and the usual lingering and mingling) I met up with my sisters at Short Pump to do some shopping. We made some purchases at H&M and C28 before heading over to Regency to continue our endeavor. I found a really cute skirt and a dress from Forever, and I got a graduation dress from Charlotte Russe; where I actually ran into Kim and Kathryn on my way out. I love running into people unexpectedly, it makes me happy :) Jennifer, Candice, and I ate a really late dinner tonight. We didn't leave Friday's until 10! So, I pretty much feel like a blimp right now, and now it's all going to sit in my stomach as I sleep. This wasn't the smartest life decision; I'll admit. Well, at least the day was wonderful! Lovely weather, beautiful friends, crazy sisters, dancing, singing, laughter... I couldn't ask for anything more :) I've got love and joy spilling over my brim!

Sidenote: I will never, EVER, be too old for Disney Channel. It's making me smile so much right now :) And I really want to see this show "Good Luck Charlie" when it premiers. Even if the acting looks incredibly cheesy, the little girl is the most adorable thing ever! I want my child to be this cute!!!

TPQ: Is it better to be an introvert or an extrovert? Being an extrovert keeps you from bottling up your emotions to the point where they burst, but it also lays your feeling on the line for everyone to see (and potentially judge). Introverted people, though, are prone to hold everything within themselves; many times without a healthy outlet. However, it may also mean that you aren't being completely honest with the people around you...

Senior Showcase Spurt.

School was school, and that is that (well, in regards to Hermitage anyway). Today, in dance, we had to present a collage that we created to display our ideas, themes, and concepts for our senior showcase pieces. Well, I started to explain the basis for my piece, and was quickly halted by my teacher. She wanted me to sum it all up in one sentence, and I just could not do it. I asked her if she wanted me to go through my collage so that maybe it would make more sense, but she wasn't interested. Instead, she played the role of devil's advocate and found a flaw in what seemed like all of my ideas. She reduced my costuming ideas to that of cliche stereotypes. She knew that wasn't what I was going for, but she was convinced that that's what the audience would take from it. I felt like nothing that I said or did was right. I didn't realize how personal my choreography was to me until I cracked under the opposition and started crying in front of everyone. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised... I felt as though my piece was being belittled; harshly judged. And I'm putting my emotions out there; it's a small part of me. Well, after that conversation, I was less than enthused about my after-school rehearsal to work on my dance with Sarah (my dancer). I was able to pull it together, though, and we went over what we had so far and made a few additions/alterations. I have about two minutes of choreography now! I'm two-thirds of the way there! During the rehearsal, my teacher came back out and asked to see what I had. Sarah and I showed it, and I was surprised by Mrs. Fink's feedback: "I really like it." "The choreography is fantastic." "I like what you're doing; keep with it." I told her how thankful I was, and I told her how I felt like everything I did was viewed as wrong. What she said struck me in an interesting way. She said, "You're challenging me with your psychological ideas, and I'm challenging you because you deserve to be challenged." Maybe my message is better expressed through my movement than it is through my words. And whether or not the audience understands my intended message, I just want for them to feel something! Emotions register different for everyone, and I just really want people to be impacted; to look at the piece and be able to relate to the scenario in one way or another. Oh, I'm starting to wonder if my tangents make sense anymore. I feel like my words run together like mush...

TPQ: What makes people be "at a loss for words?" I mean, we are equipped with capable brains and some sort of knowledge base. Do moments of shock, anger, frustration, stress, sadness, etc. cause our minds to draw a literal blank? How do all of your thoughts simply dissolve temporarily? Perhaps it's the result of rapidly changing your mindset... Opinions?

Exoskeleton.

I'm not going to lie. I woke up this morning, and the first thought that entered my mind was "F.M.L." I don't sleep as much as I should; it's a problem that I'm willing to admit. But anyways, I went through the Starbucks drive-thru like I do on a regular basis, and the barista messed up my drink. This girl has done it before, and it's never too terrible. But for some reason, when I order a grande six pump earl grey tea late, she makes me a venti! And that wouldn't be an issue except she tries to charge me for a venti, and since there's only six pump in the venti, it's not sweet enough. Its okay though, she fixed the pricing and gave me some splenda so I could fix it later :) When I got to school, I had to carry in twelve two-liter bottles of sode with me. I could have called someone to come out to my car to help me. No, I decided I could do it all by myself. Well, I made it from my car to the commons before I got Kamau  to help me. I may or may not have been on the verge of collapsing; those things were heavy! And now I have these marks on my wrists from where the bags hold eight of the two-liter bottles slid down to my wrist and were on top of my bracelets. Seriously, it looks like I failed at cutting myself (well, kind of; the picture quality is minimal)... I worked on physics homework during earlybird (since I neglected to do it last night). And stats was fun! We did chi-squared tests to see if the answer choices on multiple choice tests are equally distributed. And even though most of us found that there were more "B" answers than A, C, or D, there still isn't evidence that their proportions aren't equal (25% each). Well, I don't know about you, but after day, here's my motto: when in doubt, choose B! At the end of class, my friend Lynn was painting her nails, and, when she stood up, she had to pull her pants up. But wait, wet nails! So what does she do? Haha, well it looked to me and Mariah like she was trying to bust a move. I mean, her pelvis was all over the place! I suppose that's to be expected though when you can't use your hands :) I'm going to skip the overview of physics and study hall; quite frankly, they're rather dull. I thought today was going to be a choreography day in dance, but sadly it was not. We ended up having a modern class with Tony; which wasn't too bad. Although, we were kind of a hot mess during his combination; haha. Oh, and he knew it too. You can read his face like a book! It's comical.... Today was the fashion show! And even though I had to miss Bible study, it was fun! Melody's jewelry pieces turned out so well! I ended up wearing three pieces instead of just one! Then, after the show, I went up to church to hang out with Elizabeth, and was surprised to find Kathryn and Amber there as well! So we got to chat for a spell, and it was quite lovely. I also got to see my darling Nikki; oh how I do envy her patience :) I followed that fellowship up with a twenty minute conversation with Elizabeth in the middle of the parking lot. Yeah, that can sometimes happen. What can I say... I'm a talker! I'm still internally coping with drama, but I'm pondering a way to address it in a calm, non-aggressive fashion. I don't want to initiate any confrontation; merely diffuse the flame that's been lit right under me without my knowledge. Oh life, I try to live you blissfully, but others don't want to cooperate... It is, truly, a shame.

TPQ: Is inner beauty something that is developed? Or are you instilled with it? Many times I wonder about this. As children, were we not all innocent? Pure and tender hearted? How are we now? I suppose the question is not whether or not you possess inner beauty, but whether or not you show it. God looks at all of us as being beautiful, and I know he's not binding us to earthly standards. We all must contain inner beauty, then; whether we are aware of it or not. Do we often hide or bury that aspect of ourselves? If we didn't, then wouldn't the world be more serene?

Melody's Jewelry Line: "Exoskeleton"

Here, Have a Happy Shake!

Hello alliteration! Haha :) Today wasn't bad; third day in a row! I had a really easy test in earlybird, and in intro to humanities we discussed people who live/lived on the fringe of society. Government was boring as always. I've given up on even trying to pay attention; it's sad. Dance class was completely dedicated to choreography today! I love choreography days so, so much! I now how about two minutes of movement, and even though it doesn't sound like much, I'm excited about it :) Today was dress rehearsal for the fashion show. It wasn't too bad except for the fact that my piece broke :/ So Melody had to start from scratch. Hopefully she can finish it by tomorrow (while still maintaining her sanity). Youth group was good tonight; a lot of laughter, a lot of love :) I will say though, I have this feeling that I'm being hollowed out day by day. I'm having a harder time focusing on the worship than I used to. My mind just feels so bogged down and overwhelmed with other things that I don't know how to make it stop and focus! My cup is emptying, and I don't like it. I need to break down this barricade that's been keeping me from seeing and feeling God. I know that He is standing there, waiting for me, and this is something that I must do; God shouldn't have to do all of the work. No, I know that this is on me. It's just hard; feeling empty. How can I let God control my life if I'm not filled with His spirit? This process is going to be more complex than I had anticipated... If anyone has advice, I am more than open to it, but don't feel obligated. Okay, rewinding to the daily run-down, El Chaps was fun indeed! Heather, Kelly, and Ellory: you girls bring pure joy into my life. You are always making me laugh, smile, make silly noises, etc. Ahhh! I just love you! I did find out today, though, that there's been deception in one of my supposed friendships. Though seemingly caring and supportive, this friend apparently finds humor in my anger and unhappiness. Hmm, well I'm not sure what I did to earn this person's dislike, but at least I now see through the false facade. You know, I put up this sort of front sometimes. When I find out information such as this, I laugh and have a smirk on my face. At first it almost seems funny, because it throws me off guard. But then, as I allow things to resonate, I start to search for accusations against myself. Am I a bad friend? Do I think or say things that offend people? What did I do wrong? But the pang that strikes my heart only lasts for a fraction of a second, because I make it numb. Maybe I'm similar to "untouchable girl;" well isn't that ironic...

TPQ: Why is it that we keep secrets? Is it out of shame? Embarrassment? Fear? Can a secret also be a manifestation of a lie? If the whole world were to lay everything out for everyone to see, would life be simpler or more chaotic? I don't have the answers, but my brain is certainly swimming right now...

Ramble Number 22

So, I went to sleep around 1:30 this morning; only to then wake up to a 6:45 alarm. I walk down my hallway an am informed by my sister that there is no earlybird this morning. I never got that memo, so I kept getting ready while I tried to find out from my friends whether or not that was true. Well, 7:15 rolls around and I finally get my answer; no earlybird. So naturally, I crawl back into bed for an extra 30 minutes of sleep. It's kind of bittersweet though; because even though I got an extra half hour of sleep, had I known this last night, I could have gotten a whole extra hour. Oh well, what can you do... At any rate, school wasn't bad at all today (two days in a row... so crazy)! Of course, I had to have a little Starbucks pick-me-up to start my day off right, and needless to say that it was delicious :) This is going to be quite random, but I really do love my AP Stats teacher; I'm going to see if she wants to have a coffee date or something. She leads Young Life at Hermitage, and I've never been able to really go; but I want to have deep, meaningful conversation with her. I love discussing faith and life with everyone! If I could, I would pour out all of my thoughts, fears, experiences, and ideas with everyone that I love. And my hope would be that they would be willing to do the same. I think that would be lovely, or it would be in my eyes :) Today was a ballet day in dance, and it went much better than expected. We were fortunate enough to have Mr. Will (Will Sterling Walker) teach us today; he only comes in every now and then because of his crazy schedule with the Latin Ballet. I have come to find that he makes ballet not just about technique, but about expression, presence, and self-awareness. That, I believe, is what makes his class more bearable than Finkerbelle's (who technically goes by Mrs. Fink). After school, I had practice for the fashion show (which is at Henrico High, 6pm, thursday, tickets are $5 and have to be bought in advance.... in case you were wondering). It was long, boring, and my feet were in pain from standing in heels for almost two hours. But hey, some things must be done, and I suppose this is one of those cases. I'm kind of excited to see what the piece I'll be wearing looks like, though. All I know is that it's a jewelry piece that goes from shoulder to shoulder (or at least that is what I've been told). Pretty, pretty! Eighteen-22 was fun tonight! I love the fellowship and worship that goes on there. To me, everyone just seems so intent, so focused on God that I don't have to worry about the chaos and distraction that is often at youth group. But don't get me wrong, wednesday nights make me so, so happy; I love it indeed! It's just a different atmosphere; which is great because I can listen and partake at both without the message ever becoming redundant. Oh-sidenote!- I decided that I'm definitely going to JMU! I'm glad that I made a decision, and I think that I am going to be truly happy there. And even though I thought that UVA was where I was headed, I know that God has other plans for me, and I cannot wait to see what's in store for my future! Now I just have to find a roommate! Ah! The concept of a random roommate scares me! Honestly, I'm afraid that I would be put with a hard-core partier who will try to pressure me into drinking, smoking, etc. My other is that I'll be put with someone who just isn't even interested in being friends and ends up hating me. It might sound silly, but I mean, we'll be living together! Oh geez, I don't even know what to do about that right now, haha. Also, I think I'm done with the fact-of-the-day streak after today. Instead, I think I'll start putting thought-provoking-questions (TPQs) at the end of each of my blogs; the intention will be for them to be thought-provoking, anyways. Here we go!

Fact: My laundry hamper is immensely over flowing right now. The amount of clothing that is on top of it is enough to fill a whole other hamper and thensome; it is truly a disturbing sight. I need to stop putting it off and just wash some dang clothes, but it keeps taking a back seat to various school, church, and social activities. I need to work on this procrastination habit of mine. Oh well, all in due time I suppose.

TPQ: As Christians, we are always saying that "God is good." And yes, in our eyes he is! But the thing about good and bad is that they are relative terms; one could not exist without the other. We would not be able to label something as being "good" unless there was something else to be labeled "bad." But in the beginning, the very beginning, there was only what God had created. "All That Is was all there was, and so That Which Is Not, was not. And All That Is could not know itself without experiencing That Which Is Not." This quote is a paraphrase of a section from Conversations with God; a book I really need to finish reading. The author, Neil Donald Walsh, also states that, in his conversation with God, he learned that nothing is created to be good or bad; but what we deem good or bad is only made so by our judgment. So my question to you is this: Is God really "good," or is he more? I, personally, think that God cannot and should not be confined to a label; because He is everything! He is in everything! He created Everything! He is everywhere! I don't know how much sense this made, but it's a thought that just happened to cross my mind :)

Snap! Back to Reality.

Oh, there goes gravity! No but seriously, I'm not trying to blog about Eminem :) Anyways, today was my first day back to the realm of eight hour school days, various after-school activities, and a limited social life. I will say though, today was not that bad! Shocker, I know; I myself am pleasantly perplexed. In dance today, I realized just how out of shape a person can become in such a short amount of time. Well, maybe not out of shape, but my muscles were certainly tight! I don't think I have ever had my thighs hurt during a simple relevé, but oh, they did today (as a result of pliés and whatnot beforehand). And my arms, sheesh, I

go one week without pushups and my strength seems to have depleted. We did these reverse pushup things, and I though my biceps were on the verge of exploding. But I took comfort in the fact that my whole class felt that way, haha. Pshh, and I won't go into the abs (they feel okay now, but I don't know how it'll be tomorrow...). Fashion show rehearsal wasn't too bad. I saw my friend Cait that I haven't seen in about a year! (She used to be in my dance class.) It was nice to see her; she hasn't changed a bit. I do worry about her though. She dropped out of school last year (though she did get her GED), and now she's working; which is good, but some of her life decisions aren't the best... I'll be praying for her :) And now, well, I'm sitting at my dad's house and enjoying the music playlist from Lindsay's blog. These songs make me happy :) Oh! And I didn't have any of the creepy, disturbing dreams last night, so that made waking up less depressing! Ahhh! In just seven short weeks I will be done receiving my high school education! And in just three weeks, my AP testing will be done, so the rest of the year will be comprised of graduation rehearsals, senior meetings, senior picnic, senior skip day, etc. Oh my, my, my; this year may end on a high note after all (as far as school is concerned anyway). I love you all. You make me smile; even when you aren't with me :)

Fact: I have a hard time imagining God as being angry and vengeful. I was reading various pieces of scripture today and the image was depicted of God bursting from a sea of dark clouds and raining fire and thunder upon those that had harmed the righteous; punishing them. I don't know, I guess I've just never really viewed God in that light before. I'm not going to lie, it made me feel a little uneasy.

Anonymous and Nightmares.

Can I just say that I am totally stoked for the youth production?! Because, well, I am :) Yeah, I know, most of you are probably like "Ugh! So stressful!" But I don't know, I'm just uber excited! Now, prepare for a totally random changing of topics; starting now! Okay, so for the past few nights I've been having the craziest, freakiest dreams ever, and I don't like them. I think watching Saw IV is the reason behind them, but the dreams just started a few nights ago and I saw the movie a week ago. Anyways, so it always starts out where I'm hanging out with people I know (I distinctly remember being with Lindsay Dunnavant in last night's dream.). And we'll just be having a normal conversation when, all of a sudden, I start seeing these scary, crimson, cryptic symbols and/or pictures all over the walls. And I know that they mean something awful, so I start screaming, but I'm the only one that sees any of it. So while I'm standing there is mass hysteria, my friends are trying to help me without knowing what on earth to do. And just as I start to maintain control of myself, the scene totally changes, and I find myself wandering in what looks like underground tunnels or caves. At this point in the dream, I'm aware that I am "playing" the sort of game that is done in the Saw movies. So, naturally, I end up watching people suffer and die. (I won't go into too much detail on that. I didn't think you'd appreciate it.) But I think the worst part is that, in my dream, I'm "winning" the game. Ugh! I get chills just re-imagining it. I hate waking up from these things. I feel awful inside, and hardly at ease. I just wish I could be certain that these dreams are a mere manifestation of a Hollywood-crafted film plot, but I don't know. Part of me wonders if there's some impure thought or mindset within me that lets itself loose within my subconscious while I sleep. It unnerves me a little, I'm not going to lie. So, I looked towards scripture to find some reassurance:

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.

In reading the footnotes from my Bible, I confirmed that these verses are directing me to do the very thing that I have been struggling with: "dwelling" and "resting" with God. No matter how intense my fear may become, I need to entrust myself to His protection. I need to trust Him! I need to put ALL of my faith in Him! Clearly, I cannot overcome these wicked images on my own; whether day or night; awake or asleep.

Fact: I have AP Government homework due tomorrow that has yet to be started. To do it tonight or tomorrow morning... that is the question. I dislike the fact that my teachers assigned homework over spring break. They know that almost no one will turn it in tomorrow! Ugh, whatevskies.

"Bad Day"

This morning was so much fun! I do, thoroughly, enjoy youth choir :) I also love making videos with friends where half of us end up looking quite rediculous.... Haha, you know who you are. Afterwards, I ventured over to Stony Point with Kelly; later joined by Elsbeth. It was my first stroll through Anthropologie, but, unfortunately, it was anticlimactic because of my "bad day;" how inconvenient... It got so bad I had to have Kelly and Elsbeth take me back to church so I could go home; epic fail. Once I got home, I got back into the pajamas and took a nice, almost five-hour long nap. It's amazing what a Motrin and sleep can do. I woke up to my mom telling me she brought me home Five Guys. Haha; it's been my dinner for the past two days! Well, I am feeling better now, and I'm watching Mona Lisa Smile; which I have never seen before. It's funny, I think this is the first movie where I have severely disliked Kirsten Dunst's character. Although, I will admit, she plays the "big B" quite nicely.... Sheesh, this movie is crazy. I am so glad women have reached a higher stature in society. I cannot imagine getting an education only to throw it all away to be a mere servant to my husband. This story inspired me to look up "How to be a Good Wife" based on society in 1954 (the year this movie was set in). It goes a little something like this:

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Some of this disturbs me..... quite a bit actually. Well, at least we can say that the times have most certainly changed!

Fact: Even though I look back on AP Art History with bitter memories, I love seeing art history references in everyday media. I don't know, something about knowing little tidbits of information like an artist, painting method, or time period just gives me a small sense of satisfaction.

***Eeeep!!!! Searching for a picture for this post just allowed me to stumble upon an incredible blog post by Daniel Ostendorff; a student at Queen's University in Belfast, N. Ireland pursuing a one year MA in Modern History (yearatqueens.blogspot.com). I love stumbling upon things like this :) Check it out:

Life's Interuptions: An Unexpected Day
Wednesday, July 29, 2009

A Jackson Pollock painting.

Today felt like a 'Jackson Pollock' painting. Lines coming from every direction, unexpected, seemingly chaotic, that eventually come together to create a larger picture. C. S. Lewis has said that interruptions don't stop us from living, but rather, the interruptions are our life, given to us from God. That the interruptions ARE life - rather than simply events that interfere with life. The unexpected, rather than the planned, describe the majority of our days on this earth. Thankfully, unlike a Jackson Pollock painting, God promises that the 'chaos' has purpose and meaning (Rom 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11).

Today felt like a Jackson Pollock painting, with 'interruptions' coming at every turn. I had four things planned for my day, and by lunchtime I had to throw the plan out the window.

Tree Skirts. Hip Hop. Fizzle Gizzle.

Today was nothing short of incredible! I had a lovely picnic avec Annemarie and Kelly at Maymont; where apparently the VCU draping class thought it would be fun to dress the trees in skirts..... utter failure. Anyways, after completing the rendez-vous, I came home, and five short minutes is all that it took. My mom tells me that she might be taking a job that requires her to do a 30 day training in New York, and she was talking to me about how it would work out great because she could just do it for the month of May and it'd be perfect. Nevermind that my senior showcase, 18th birthday, and senior prom are all in May.... When I brought that up, she decided that she should do the middle of May to the Middle of June. When I looked at her like she had a third eye-ball, she finally remembered that this particular daughter is graduating high school. I don't know, sometimes I wonder how much she cares. At any rate, I was completely elated for hip hop tonight! The class was so much fun; I don't even know how else to word it! It bumped my mood up at least ten notches. Then, I had a Five Guys date with Nikki :) I do love our dates. We always have the best conversations. And Nikki (I assuming that you'll read this) sometimes I feel like we share a brain; float in the same boat. Many of our life scenario's and happenings are similar, and I find that rather nifty :) Woop! Okay, so once Nikki and I finally left Five Guys (20 minutes AFTER they closed. Haha, woops!) I headed towards the Mora residence, where a group of us watched The Hangover while their dogs Maggie and Angel duked it out. My money was on Angel. Sure, she's older and has arthritis, but she has more body mass; needless to say she dominated. I love how random this became. I also give anyone who reads all of my blogs major kudos. They just end up being so long! Maybe I should work on that....

Fact: I get Panera/Starbucks breakfast far more than any sane person should. It's a horrid, expensive habit that I fall victim to (literally) almost every day. And I plan to do it again tomorrow. Oh well, I'll come around one of these days I suppose.

Now That My Brain is Unscrambled

let me reflect on the positive events from today (technically yesterday, but you know what I mean). Well, I spent the night at Julie's last night, and she made breakfast (smoothies!) and lunch (macaroni!) for us both while we sat and watched shows about unsolved murders, the "other women" that ruin celebrity marriages, and celebrities who've gotten plastic surgery; all of which were quite entertaining. After going home and getting my car back, I met up with Heather at Sweet Frog :) Oh my, it was yummy. Then, we walked over to the mall and explored Teavana, and that was simply lovely! (P.S.- Go there to get Heather's birthday present! Haha.) Free samples, cute little tea sets, even an iced tea to go; loved it! Following this newly discovered excellence, Heather and I took a stroll through Urban and H&M; "clothes make me happy sometimes." Then, we traveled back over to the southside for a small Bible study with Nikki, Kay, and Lindsay. And well, I don't know about everyone else, but I absolutely loved it. The intimacy of our discussion and the scripture put me in an alleviated state of mind. Learning to really confide in God as well as my friends is definitely a journey that I need to embark on; starting now! (Complete shift in topic.) After Bible study, I went over to Elizabeth's; which was a fun hangout until my little tiff. Anyways, I came home to surprisingly find my whole family still awake! My sister is grading book reports.... And let me tell you, I am appalled at the improper grammar, spelling, and overall intelligence of some of these kids. I am legitimately concerned; actually. Oh, I do envy Candice's patience and tolerance. Well, I'm sorry this was kind of a tangent, but I love you all so very much. Goodnight my loves! (The "fact" has already been done for the day.)

Beloved and Broken.

Perhaps a broken heart can serve your spirit well.
If it weren't for our periods of brokeness,
our faith would never be tested.
And if we never hit troughs
in our relationship with God,
then would we ever realize our dependence?
I find it hard to abandon my struggles;
to leave them in the hands of God.
Why do I think myself to be indestructible?
When will I realize that I cannot do this alone?
My emotions, thoughts, and obstacles;
nothing is within my control.
I need to trust in that,
instead of merely understanding the concept.
This life is hard.
We will experience emotional breakdowns,
traumatic loss, relationship issues,
and personal, heart-shattering dilemas.
But how we cope can say a lot.
Do you tell someone?
Curl in a ball and cry in isolation?
That is when we need Him the most.
And, in time, we will break down, and
the trust barricade will permanently dissenigrate.
We will live in peace; serenity; utopia.
Well, the closest we can get on this Earth, anyway.....


Fact: Josh Huizenga just started a fight with me, and I am shaking with anger... Someone might need to hold me back the next time I see him. Seriously, that blow was low; even for him. If anyone wants to hear about it later just ask. I don't want to splurge about it on the internet.