"Night of fails"

Well, that may not be completely true, but it made me laugh when Nikki said it :) Okay, so I went to school for a grand total of about two hours today before Mrs. Steele, Mrs. Nicholas, and my entire 2nd period class convinced me that I had no business being there. So what did I do with myself? I threw on some baggy sweatpants and crashed on the sofa for four hours. FOUR HOURS! That's more than half of the sleep I generally get each night; craziness! I did my physics homework once I woke up, and then headed over to my dad's for some dinner. After that, of course, was youth group!!! And this is where the fails came in: "like our first night together," "he makes beautif.....beautiful"....oh. Need I say more? Haha. Well, after the weekly dance sesh and some 90's music flashbacks, a few of us sprinkled into the parking lot for some lovely conversation. Like I've said before, parking lot convos are the best kind. We tried to go on the swings, but they're gone... Did anyone else know that? It was rather unfortunate... At any rate, my mind has been working at full capacity as it generally does, so I am forewarning you that this may turn into uncontrollable rambling; starting now! Today in intro to humanities, we had to fill out this worksheet, and one of the questions was this: What do you think is the greatest problem facing American teens? I didn't even need to think about it. My answer was conformity. Whether it's fashion trends, self-image, mannerisms, or physicalities, in the end we become somewhat different. Perhaps out personalities have changed; maybe our friends or our interests. It's concerning, but it holds some truth. Who was the first to decide that how we were coined wasn't up to par? When did our mirrors morph to fun house status; causing abstraction and distortion? I used to be so closed minded as to only imaging said conformation on a grandeur scale; only viewing teenagers as a whole. My thoughts used to be much more superficial; only scraping the surface.

Now, though, I realize that this goes much deeper than just our pastimes. No, this is personal, emotional, and a painful struggle for some. Why do we feel the need to please others? Why do we set such ridiculous standards for ourselves?! I have myself convinced that, unless I maintain perfect grades, I will be viewed as a disappointment. I actually fear the way others would look at me and the teasing that may or may not follow suit. I created that image of myself! Nobody has ever once told me that failing to obtain superior excellence will deem me inadequate, but I know that I would feel like I hadn't done well enough. Honestly, I would cry and have guilt eating away at me for not achieving my image of "perfection." I get that feeling sometimes when I commit to things that conflict with one another, and I have to let someone down in order to make someone else happy. Even when I'm involved in something and I don't perform as well as I should, I beat myself up over it until it's engraved in my mind. If you had asked me a while ago whether or not I had fallen victim to conformity, I would have said "no." But the truth is, I have. I've conformed to this image that I created for myself. Get perfect grades, participate in every extra curricular imaginable, take any and all leadership positions that are offered, etc. Well, perhaps I can take some comfort in knowing that I do this to myself; no one else is to blame. And I know that some of you are reading this and probably thinking I'm completely and utterly ridiculous, but I know that many can relate to this. I just thought I'd let you know what was on my heart and mind... Goodnight, my loves.