I'm so tired.

And yes, I realize it's not even 10 yet. Right now I'm beyond the point of caring, though, and I think I'm to shower and hit the sack. But first, I must blog...

I've been coming to notice a horrible pattern in my life, or rather, one that I am not fond of. It seems as though things that I love and invest my time in never fail to sort of come apart at the seems. It's not that they fall apart completely or cease to exist, but it's still saddening. I feel like I haven't even gotten the opportunity to give myself completely, and now things seem to be crumbling. People are leaving and tensions linger and things just don't feel right! And now I'm retreating into my self it seems; for who can I trust completely? Not that friendships are defined by these sorts of things, but this is supposed to be more than just a friendship {at least I thought it was}. I understand that some things need to be done for one's own sake, but is this really it? Are things truly beyond repair? I kind of want to stand up and scream. I don't know what I would say or who exactly I would need to be talking to, but I feel like something needs to be said. I wouldn't do that, though, out of respect of wishes. Things like this are where I want to confide in and talk to someone else, but I'm not supposed to. So here I sit, an internal struggle that is twisting itself into an immobile knot. What's worse, I wonder who would honestly care. I wonder if anyone would, in all honesty, be willing to sit and talk/listen to me about this. That's a feeling I'm not accustomed to. Sure, I don't always share was troubling me, but I've never felt like I had no one who would be willing to listen. And what does that mean? I think that question might link with a recent evaluation of myself in which I realized that I am not the same person here that I am at home. I'm not as vulnerable or carefree. I'm afraid to open up for fear of judgement. I'm not as bubbly. I'm not constantly smiling, and people rarely hug. Little things, I suppose. I came back this semester promising myself that I would show my friends at JMU who I really am, the person I love being. But it's not working, and I don't know what's hindering me. I'm just not sure what it all means...