PSYC 160, Chapter 16... not exactly sunshine and daisies.

You know, I realized today that the library really does make it easier to focus on homework material, overwhelmingly so. I was doing my reading for psychology, and it was just kind of oddly intense for me. The chapter started by discussing depression and behavioral issues in children and how they're triggered by events like divorce, parent marital issues, and just stressful experiences in general. And reading about that just gave me some major flashbacks...

I remember one morning, when I was in the fourth grade, I woke up to find that my mom wasn't there. It was a school morning and she always woke up my sisters and I. I walked around the house calling for her, but she didn't answer. I remember running out the back door, down the porch steps, and down the walkway to our garage and seeing that her van wasn't in the garage. I remember running upstairs in a panic and calling my dad at work. I was crying when I told him, "Daddy, I don't know where mommy is!" I recall the tone of of his voice as he told me he was on his way home. I remember standing at the top of the stairs, still crying, when my mom came through the back door. She asked me what was wrong, and I asked, "Where were you?" The explanation she gave me was a lie. She told me she had been in the upstairs of the garage on the exercise bike. I told her that I saw her car was missing. She then told me she had gone to get milk. I pointed out that she was still in her pajamas. She had been at Johnny's... After a few moments, she looked at me and said "You didn't call you dad did you?" I just looks at her and said, "I didn't know where you were!" I believe she let out a choice profanity, and I remember the arguing that ensued when my dad came home... all before a day at school...

I remember one summer day when my dad came to pick Jennifer and I up from Johnny's house {where we were living at the time}. He told us that he wanted us to live with him, and he asked us to pack our things in garbage bags he had brought with him. We did what he asked. He was our dad, and we were still so young. I remember picking up Candice from Summer school and going to the Henrico court house so my dad could pick up custody papers. I remember the police coming to the house later that night {sent by my mother, I suppose}, and asking Jennifer and I questions about whether we liked being there with our dad and things like that. I remember my Mommom keeping Jennifer and I occupied upstairs with our toys while a yelling match went on downstairs between Candice and my dad. And I remember going back to Johnny's house later and being questioned in the car by mom about why we went with dad. I remember her being upset and angry, and more than anything I recall her not being able to understand how hard it was to have to choose between my parents...

I went back to a time very early in my life, back when my parents weren't on the verge of divorce and my brother still lived with us. I remember that Matt said something in an inappropriate tone to my mother, and I remember the raged look on my father's face as he lunged at my brother and wrapped his hands around his neck. My dad wouldn't release him until he choked out an apology...

I remember sitting on the living room couch while my parents were screaming at each other in a fit of anger right in front of us. They didn't stop until Jennifer, only 1st or 2nd grade at this point, yelled amidst her sobbing, "Stop fighting! It's Valentine's day!" It seemed like only then did they recognize that they had their children as an audience...

When I finally came back to the reality of Carrier library, I was in the strangest state of mind, and I didn't really know what to do with it. So this post is my outlet, I guess you can say. I suppose I'm just grateful that, despite events like these from my childhood, I don't have developmental problems or struggle with anxiety/depression {which is apparently pretty common}. Sorry for the intensity; I'll have a happier post later.