I'll go to sleep tonight,

hopefully with some peace of mind. That God is in control and that I never will be; that He never leaves, even when I do. Noting that not everything is a contest to be won, and that wallowing accomplishes nothing. That jealousy is not an attractive trait, and pride is something I need to surmount. That God comes before ministry on the list of priorities, and I've gotten that horribly askew. At some point the excuses need to end and I have to own up to my lack of upkeep. And just the same, I need to remind myself that God does not desire me to come before him covered in bruises of self-abuse, but rather with a genuinely humble and repentant heart. This world leaves enough scars of it's own, I need not add to it when I have a Father who wants to wipe them clean. I need remember that these awful occurrences are not created by God, but by Satan. And even though he crept his way into the cracks of our brokeness, God will pull us out of demise and strengthen us to where the most unbearable burdens benefit our spiritual lives-- bettering us in ways that may long go unrecognized or without due credit to Him. No human will ever be strong enough to cure brokeness, for our outstretched hands are feeble at best when staged for comparison. Who am I compared to God? What accomplishments could possible stand on par? I know what I like to tell myself, whether out of self-assurance or confidence, but I am terribly mistaken. It's hard to admit, but in my heart I know it's all true.

Today was truly a day... filled with slaps to the face and borderline breakdowns, but dwelling in upset and hiding behind lies will get me nowhere. Stephanie (self), accept the truth and promise that is given. Let God have his way. Yes, it hurts. And yes, you are unsettled. But this is beyond you, and God wants to bring you peace. Let him help you. And maybe then you can truly help others...