And here are some things that are floating around in there:
1. I'm becoming more aware of myself.
This sense of self-awareness is both mental and physical. I'm beginning to really notice my physical appearance; not in a harsh or critical way; just in an observant way. I'm also picking up on some habits and tendencies that I do all of the time but I'm not sure why. Examples: cracking my elbows, shifting my eyes, blinking [too] often, randomly pointing and flexing my feet, cracking my knuckles, etc. All of this may seem really random, and I know it isn't any sort of revelation, but these are things that generally float under my radar. And don't get me wrong, it's not that I've never looked at myself in the mirror or anything. Most of the time though, I look without really seeing; without analyzing. I suppose I first noticed that aspect of myself during dance class this year when Mrs. Fink was yelling at Extasis to stop "dancing in the mirror." There's a whole wall of mirrors in front of me, and I never once saw myself; I still don't actually. But what I mean is just in general. I'm becoming more cognizant of what I look like. And, like I said, it's neither positive nor negative; just an observation. I mean, my thought process is this: If I want to look like a bum, I will. If anyone has a problem with the way I look or dress, then they don't have to associate with me. You know? I do wonder sometimes, though, what people think of me; not that it would make any difference to me. I find comfort in the fact that I'm beautiful in the eyes of God; as well as my friends (at least I hope so, haha!). And for me, that's all that truly matters :)
2. How did my relationships get to where they are now?
Honestly, take a second to think about it. I am really close with some of you, but we haven't always been that way. Most of you who are reading this have only really known me for a few months! It's craziness! I was talking to Elsbeth about this tonight (and we have before, also). Yes, I love Elsbeth with all my heart, and our dates/parking lot chats are always lovely, but when/how did that happen? She claims that one day I just started squealing her name whenever I saw her and somehow convinced her to go on a Starbucks date, haha. Seriously though! Think about it! How did we create this incredible bond that we have now? I'm telling you, you may not know the answer. And, if you're like me, the uncertainty is going to drive you insane! Haha :)
3. Who/what really influences me and my lifestyle?
Scoob posed this question tonight, and it really registered in my brain. Although God is the foundation for my morals, motivations, actions, mindset, beliefs, etc., I took this question down to more of a secular level... My friends are definitely a huge influence on my life; my closest friends having the greatest impact. And, if you were to ask my opinion, I would say that you all have changed me for the better. You all have helped me break down my barriers and really grow in my spirituality and faith. You teach me so much, my loves! I thank God every day for blessing me with such amazing friends :) However, I also realize that I can often act in spite of my family; which is also influencing my actions. So, I have positive and negative influences at work, so it's up to me to keep myself in line; to maintain my obedience and not act out of selfishness. This thought train could go on for quite some time, but I'll let you ponder this question for yourself.
So yeah, these were just a few things that were lingering in the mental filing cabinet, and if anyone wants to discuss anything (whether it was brought up in this blog or not) I am more than interested in doing so! I love discussing life with my friends :) Oh! And you should answer these questions if you haven't already! I'm loving reading your responses :) Goodnight my loves!
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