For sanity purposes.

I am now in the middle of a study break from AP Government. My AP test is tomorrow and I honestly don't even know if I'll pass. I need a 4 to receive the credit at JMU, and the chances are looking pretty slim. I feel like I haven't been taught anything this entire year. Mr. Moore, why on earth do they let you teach this class? None of us feel remotely prepared, and we already know your pass rate is abysmal. Please pray that I do well. I'm going to need it. Moving on....

Today was a good one. After church in the AM, Kelly and I tried (and failed) to go on a Thai date. It's okay though, we ate at this lovely little Vietnamese restaurant:

(Smurf Village in my egg noodles.)

(The lone dum dum amongst a bowl of mints.)

And now, for the emotional segment. I feel totally isolated from every member of my family; except for maybe my dad. Sometimes I wonder if things would be any different if I just lived on my own. I came downstairs earlier and my mom and sisters were all talking in the kitchen. My older sister said hi to me, but that was really it; and she said goodbye on her way out. None of them really acknowledged my presence at any other time during their ten minute conversation. And I don't need to be the center of attention. I don't want or need all of the focus to be on me, but I literally felt like I had no place. I wonder if I would be better off living alone; it's something I contemplate from time to time. Yesterday night at dinner, my little sister lectured me on how I need to respect my mom as an authority figure and how I never listen to her. As hard as it is to sit there and hear that, it's harder to mask the built up anger and frustration that I harbor. Even more difficult than that, though, was looking my sister in the eye and telling her the truth. I don't listen to mom because she's neglected to be that authoritative figure for the past three years. I'm never home because being here makes me sad; upset. Being around mom makes me constantly feel like I'm not good enough and that I can't do anything to please her. Nothing is ever enough, and I hate feeling that way. Yeah, it was hard to shoot my sister straight, but I didn't really see any other way of getting her to understand. I'm letting her down too in this process; and I know that. But how can I please my little sister while still maintaining my own happiness. Is that selfish of me? My little sister is upset, and I think it has something to do with me. She discussed it with my older sister in confidence, but she wouldn't bring it up in front of me. She doesn't even feel like she can talk to me anymore? Have I become that detached? Has all faith in me been shattered? I don't like feeling like a disappointment... I'm sorry, I'm sorry....

This song is helping me get through this. Thank you, Nikki, for sharing this with me.