burdens itself in tenfold. If I've learned anything as of recently, it is that love is sacrificial; and bitterness lingers at its right hand. The line had been drawn, but I wasn't prepared to have it ripped at the seams; feeling like the one thread that refuses to be cut loose from either faction. Perhaps this heart is selfish. In fact, I know it is to some degree, but more crucial elements are not overcasted; nor shall they ever be. I just feel torn; lost and utterly befuddled. I can be told repeatedly that this isn't my battle, yet I refuse to raise a white flag. I want so badly to mend what has been damaged; to repair these walls that are falling to shambles. My tears of anticipation have evaded me, but now I am left with a hollow core; slowly being drowned with guilt and sorrow. Knowing that this was coming and realizing that any effort would render itself useless. However, realization does not insinuate acceptance; which deprives me of faith and trust. I need to believe that {even though I can't produce a resolution} nobody will be left alone or uncared for. More than anything, I just want to be a ray of sunshine in the lives of others; to bring them joy. But who am I to compete with the ultimate source of light and love? Why can I not just have enough confidence in God to trust that everything will work out in the end? I constantly insist upon placing these things on my shoulders out of stress and worry; always out of love. I need to accept that this is a transition phase. God blessed us with the ability to handle life's struggles, and He isn't presenting me with any obstacles I can't handle. I just need to get my act together. My actions and emotions need to keep pace with my brain. It's just extremely difficult for me to disregard my emotions. And perhaps this isn't the end, but things will certainly never be the same. I just pray that I won't be forced to choose... that isn't something I could handle.
0 comments:
Post a Comment