I cannot wait

to go home and once again resume my role as "the stable one." I hate this feelings of being viewed as less mature or childishly irrational for my emotions. When under scrutiny, it is hard to stand tall when the gazes you receive make you feel so small. Anger versus upset would be easier to let settle, for it tends to abandon the disheartening regret of blatancy. To say that something small can spark a fire is indeed so, even if the logicality of it is less than sound. My inability to maintain control eats away at me, ensuing personal disappointment. Perhaps the perceived looks of judgement would have been an absent factor if I could have simply remained collected...

I crave stability and reassurance of dependability. I want nothing to do with relational conflict that I have so greatly abstained from for over three years. Why this tension even came to be, I am uncertain. I wish it hadn't, and I wish I could say that I wasn't made to feel this way; that I really am just on the fringe of emotional stability. To extinguish would be incredible, but I fear that it cannot be done without first fanning. Now is not the time, it can't be if I am to continue with a shroud of endurance. I want to say that I can simply forget, but my internal anxiety acknowledges and exposes the lie. What I need is peace, the breed that transcends my understanding...