There are some things from your past

that you really do not wish to revisit. Now I realize that this may seem self-and-point, perhaps even completely obvious. But you know those things that hurt you once, I mean really hurt you, but you manage to suppress them over time to the point where it is no longer a part of your conscious? I have many of those. However, because of this blog, those memories will never be completely gone. This mass array of my thoughts and experiences has captured the good, the absolutely amazing, but also the pitfalls and the struggles. I just went looking for a photo that I knew I had put on one of my posts. I entered a key word and the search bar and did eventually find what I was looking for, but I also came across hurtful words that were said to me, actions that were less than heart-felt... Neither of which I would have been able to specifically recall if not for my cyber regurgitation. Wow... What else is there really to say? I know I've been hurt. Any one of us could say that we've been put down, guilted, slandered, disappointed... I think the wonder of all of it is that God allows us to move past it. I don't recurrently have to face the family issues, the tears, the mistakes, or the heartache. God gave/gives me strength to push through it, and then He plants me firmly so that I may grow beyond that point of trial. He does that for all of us.

God's like that, you know. He works for the good of everyone. It's never just me, or you, or Sally up the street. God isn't designed for people to be selfish. He looks at the big picture; His heart and arms are wide open for everyone. He cares for everyone. He considers everyone. He loves everyone! Why, then, is it so easy for me to be consumed with myself? My stress. My hurt. My issues. My pain. I can try to justify it be saying that most of this is intrinsic, evolving in thought more-so than action. I have tried this, truthfully, but I know the truth. Why is it so hard for me to look past my crap (sorry for the lack of a more intelligent word) and look to find God in my moments of weakness? He loves me! He knows how to embrace others! He can help me embrace my situations and guide me towards loving and acting as He does! So what's the deal with the wall? What's my stumbling block? Where does the hinderance reside?

You could say I'm wrestling with these questions. To be truthful I'm not where I want to be spiritually. I feel distant, and I feel like a sub-par daughter of Christ. I know I can do better. Be better. My Messiah whose birthday I am celebrating deserves more from me. Our relationship is starting to look awfully one-sided, and if I were Him I'm not sure if I would want to stick around. He is, though. He always does. I know this because I see the blessings raining down on me. I see the unexpected support and love. I see the glimmer of radiant light in those who I am beyond grateful to have in my life. I may be but a faint glow, but I have faith that, with my cooperation, God is going to restore me to a beacon. I anxiously await that. Lord, I love you and I miss knowing you as I should. Please forgive me for my selfishness and distractedness. I want to return to your arms.

Goodnight, my loves. And may you all have a blessed, peaceful, and joyous Christmas Eve.